COCO & MIMI's  "Words of Wisdom, Wit and Wonder!"

"Mimi, do you think I'm fat?"  "No, Coco.  You're not fat.  You're just easier to see."

A husband and wife had been married for sixty years and had no secrets except for one.  The woman kept in her closet a shoe box she forbade her husband from ever opening.  When whe was on her deathbed, and with her blessing, he opened the box and found a crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash.  "My mother told me the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue," she explained.  "Instead, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll."  Her husband was touched.  Only one doll was in the box.  That meant she'd been agnry with him only once in sixty years.  "But what about all this money?", he asked.  "Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. Its an asshole!

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

 
Sarah Linn of PASSION rockin' a "Daria" designer dress!

     As a musician, I play many gigs.  Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play guitar and sing at a graveside service for a homeless man.  He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country.  As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.  I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone, and the hearse was nowhere in sight.  There were only the diggers and crew left, and they were eating lunch.   I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.  I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.  I didn’t know what else to do, so I got out my guitar, and started to play and sing.   The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.  I played and sang out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.  I played and sang like I’ve never played and sang before for this homeless man.  And as I sang ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep.  They wept.  I wept.  We all wept together.  When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car.  Though my head hung low, my heart was full.  As I opened the door to my car I heard one of the workers say, "I've never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."  Apparently, I'm still lost...  It's a man thing.
I'm driving with this guy, and he runs right through a Stop sign, so I say, "Hey, that was a Stop sign."  And he says, "I drive like my brother."  A few blocks later, he plows right through a red light.  I say, "You just ran a red light."  And he says, "I drive like my brother."  So, now we're coming up on a green light, and he slows down.  I'm confused, so I say, "It's green' why are you slowing down?"  He says, "My brother might be coming."

The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.  They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he’d put an end to things by saying boldly, “After our second child, I’ll just have a vasectomy.”  Without a moments hesitation the bride retorted, “Well, I hope you’ll love the third one just as if it were your own.”

Harry did like he always did every evening.  He kissed his wife, crawled into bed and went to sleep.  All of a sudden, he woke up and saw an elderly man dressed in a robe standing in front of his bed.  "What are you doing in my bedroom?  Who are you?" he asked.  "This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."  "WHAT!??  Are you saying I'm dead?  I don't want to die... I'm too young." said Harry.  "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."  "It's not that easy", said St. Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen.  You'll have to choose on your own..."  Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring and that a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life.  Running around with a rooster can't be that bad, he thought.  "I want to return as a hen." Harry replied.  And in the next second, he found himself on a chicken farm and nicely feathered.  But now "he" felt like his rear end was gonna blow.  Then along came the rooster!  "Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said.  "How does it feel being a hen?"  "Well, it's OK I guess, but I feel like my rear end is blowing up."  "Oh that!" said the rooster.  "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before?"  "No, how do I do that?" Harry asked.  "Cluck twice, and then you push all you can" said the rooster.  Harry clucked twice, and pushed with all his might and then 'Plop' and a egg was on the ground.  "Wow," Harry said "that feels much better!"  So he clucked again and squeezed.  And sure enough there was yet another egg on the ground.  The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout, "Harry!  Wake up.  You're pooping all over the bed!"

Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money.  They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash.  Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill.  "Here’s that twenty dollars I owe you," he says.


A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world.  Watch while I prove it to you.”  The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”  The boy takes the quarters and leaves.  “What did I tell you?” said the barber.  “That kid never learns!”  Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.  “Hey, son!  May I ask you a question?  Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”  The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”


A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner. He asks his son, "Son, where were you today during school hours?" "At school." The robot slaps the son. "Okay, I went to the movies!" The father asks, "Which one?" "Harry Potter." The robot slaps the son again. "Okay, I was watching porn!" The father replies, "What? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was!" The robot slaps the father. The mom chimes in, "Haha! After all, he is your son!" The robot slaps the mother.

There is a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there is a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!'' Herman says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''

A guy asks a lawyer what his fee is. "I charge $50 for three questions," the lawyer says. "That’s awfully steep, isn’t it?" the guy asks. "Yes," the lawyer replies, "Now what’s your final question?

             Al, Sarah, and Brad Gillis of Night Ranger.            Al and Joel Hoefstra of Night Ranger &"Rock of Ages"