Having a bad beer drinking experience?  No worries... here's Fast Eddie with expert advice!

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Action:
Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Improper bladder control.
Action:
Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
Fault: Glass empty.
Action:
Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
Fault: You have fallen over backward.
Action:
Have yourself chained to bar.

Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
Fault: You have fallen forward.
Action:
See above.

Symptom: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
Action:
Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

Symptom: Floor blurred.
Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
Action:
Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: Floor moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Action:
Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

Symptom: Room seems unusually dark.
Fault: Bar has closed.
Action:
Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home.

 

Symptom: Truck suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
Fault: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
Action:
Cover mouth.

Symptom: Everyone looks up to you and laughs.
Fault: You are dancing on the table.
Action:
Fall on somebody cushy looking.

Symptom: Beer is crystal clear.
Fault: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
Action:
Punch him.

Symptom: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
Fault: You have been in a fight.
Action:
Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

Symptom: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
Fault: You've wandered into the wrong party.
Action:
See if they have free beer.

Symptom: Your singing sounds distorted.
Fault: The beer is too weak.
Action:
Have more beer until your voice improves.

Symptom: Don't remember the words to the song.
Fault: Beer is just right.
Action:
Play air guitar.

Symptom: Cold and unable to unlock door to hotel room.
Fault: Woke up in hotel room, got up to go to bathroom and chose wrong door.
Action:
Knock loudly on door to wake sleeping wife. If this fails, find hotel worker to unlock door for you.

Q: What is a Yooper's last words?
A: "Hold my beer and watch this!"

Q: What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in the south?
A: Open other end.

Boy: "I love you so much, I could never live without you."
Girl: "Is that you or the beer talking?"
Boy: "It's me talking to the beer."

Life is too short to drink cheap beer.



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